Waiting

I must've mention many entries ago about the anxiety of waiting. I loathe the waiting period, or just waiting. Period. Finally I thought I should just blog it out so I can move on to something else, refocus and actually make progress.

I seem to always question why this day wound up being frustrating. Of course, I am trying to write 20 pages in, oh, I guess two days now. So, that's stressful, and then having an erratic eating schedule tops it off. Nowadays, it seems harder to cope with expectations falling short, or not materializing at all for that matter. Maybe I just had a crappy, useless day. Maybe I procrastinated too much on e-scrabble or whatever. Maybe I found myself waiting for a phonecall foolishly and then realized I wasn't going to get a call back. Maybe I just needed control of something to satisfy me.

...I wanted instant gratification so that I can move from point A to point B. I wanted someone to reassure me that my frustration was going to be over in a matter of 2 and 1/2 days, and I'll be free to run around like everyone else (or at least have the illusion of freedom).

It's true that I find myself creating small obstacles--or distractions -- that, more often than not, keep me from focusing on finishing up these damned papers, only to find myself feeling guilty at the end of night. Finally I think it means I want to be punished. And by the way, writing about this makes me feel like an overgrown 5 year old.
Boy, do I hate the way this day is turning out.

I have 3 hours before bedtime and I just have to write something, however crapped out it turns out. One more time to make me feel better? Boy, do I loathe this day and hope it is over soon so I can wake up feeling much better. I hope writing about this helps me tonight!

It hurts so bad.

That's right: reading an essay that quotes Zizek and Lacan's work. Why do I do this? Why do I give myself headaches? Why the compulsion to repeat? Is it really to master trauma?

One more week to go and I am free, sort of. So mentally exhausted. I can hibernate for a whole month.

breaking tasks

I need to learn to break assignments into smaller, managable tasks because I find myself all too frequently overwhelmed in the end. SMALLER TASKS.

what is the task tonight?

read novel and highlight or type out quotes that might be of use for rough draft.

read short story and do the same.

Thursday: must start developing papers.
Write random blurbs about Barthelme.
oh yah, Indian paper
and then Derrida paper
Gah!

unlearning

Sometimes -- particularly the rough times -- I feel like everything I thought I knew I now don't know; and what I once believed in has now totally dissolved into questions. what gives? don't I know this? Wait -- is this finals week and hence the existential doubts?


yes, yes, yes

blue

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be satisfied with anything--writing, relationships, myself? Lately I've been feeling like nothing is enough these days. It's not an insatiable hunger per se, but just not feeling confident or too comfortable with one's abilities, intelligence, etc. I know self-doubt frequently visits me, but just the past few days it has been even more apparent. I wonder if I will ever truly accept anything and just be damn happy with what I have before me and what I have experienced. I have to remind myself to just go with the flow and stop worrying so much. Maybe I need to say that again -- stop worrying.

Incidentally, I got an A on the last paper, which is great but so anticlimactic. Why? because no one really cares about grades in grad school, and my paper was relatively uninteresting and thus lame effort. That is to say that I don't think the little exercise helped me develop further along the big project. So what now?

Sometimes I wonder if I care enough to want to change the things that bother me. I know I do, at least theoretically, but sometimes my eye glasses are fogged up.

swamped

Well, one hurdle is out of the way: I submitted my thesis proposal and graduation forms. Now I have to write a prospetus outlining the chapters and then schedule my orals (nevermind about writing the thing!). But I am afraid of all the work I need to get done in a month. There is so much work I could cry. I can't even think anymore. So I'll just focus on this weekend.

• Finish 1 book due on monday
• read half of book for class due on tuesday.
• work on old paper and just write something. spend 2 hours?
• brainstorming on Indian literature paper
• schedule a class presentation

sigh. what to do?

a triumph of sorts

Well, today I received emails from the two professors who have agreed to read my thesis-in-progress. Yay! I'm just excited to have one hurdle out of the way. Now tomorrow I buy the ink, and then I can type out the letter of support, and then read the book.

thursday afternoon : must work on thesis abstract.

friday: meet with one professor and show abstract. I can do this.

100 beats per minute

I figured I could vent for a few minutes and write out my things to do list so that I can actually focus on one thing tonight and finish something. I sent out a couple of nice emails to profs asking them to be on my thesis committee. I loathe the waiting for a response part! I've just been antsy and totally erratic. I wonder if I will get sleeping tonight with, what, racing thoughts and this sense of urgency of meeting a deadline. All I want to do is curl up and read a book that isn't for a quiz. Of course, I did take a nap today accidentally; it's been a long time since I had a nap, which I used to be able to do because of 6:30 barista job. Last night I barely got 5 hours of sleep, which to others is more than enough, I am told.

so what do I need to do this week:
grunt work: a) get ink for printer so that b) I could print out some forms and then c) I can write out a thesis abstract, which d) needs a couple of signatures of approval.

of course I am still vague about my larger argument, but I am just glad that I at least selected two novels for the thesis, even if I am still apprehensive about them, which goes something like: I can't believe I am doing this with this novel; how did I all of sudden decide on this topic. God, my shoulders ache.

For tomorrow, I need to e) finish up some reading in between classes; on wednesday, I can f)work on abstract and g) then write a letter of support for a former prof who is up for tenure. I want totally write one!

So i guess the first order of business a) gettting the damn ink for printer. I hate stopping at the Office max or convenience stores for little errands. Today I actually bought grocery, which is a triumph, and last week I actually did 3 weeks of laundry. Okay, so this is small celebration -- hence procratiblogging?.

tonight: I must read through some notes for a quiz and read. If I have time, maybe I can write bits for letter of support.

out of sorts

Couldn't sleep last night, which isn't unusual for me, but I haven't had a slight panic attack for a while. Of course, I was up thinking about what's next for me? I bet years from now I'll still wonder and speculate about what to do next. It's no surprise, I guess, that I've been chronically neglecting this blog for months-- what is it now, a three month hiatus? Ah, I think, now there was a student full of promises, and inspired by the most inane things about life in school, buried in books and ideas. I was going to figure out why it all made sense to me, why it mattered to be doing what I enjoy--reading, writing, questioning, thinking--the life of the of the mind.

Last night I flashed forward to the summer: plagued with looking for a full time job that may or may not cover paying rent/bills, and finish writing. Gah! A friend of mine told me what her advisor said, and it was something to the effect of "serious grad students don't sleep." But I value my sleep. So, gee whiz, what now?

On the lighter side of things -- it rained and thundered last night, which means this morning the air is fresh as a daisy. I wish it were bright and sunny, but that may be asking too much of the universe. I'm just glad I had the opportunity to blog and have some coffee before reading.
It's a good day, I know it will. I love how reflecting on fleeting-yet-troubling thoughts can simmer things down, which reminds me -- I need to write to mentor. sigh.

C'mon, get some reading done today!!!

Unrest

Not the band, I mean, but I've been feeling antsy, impatient, guilty, all around uninspired, bored of summer classes, preoccupied from the guilt of not having done any reading (nevermind about getting any writing done). I'm tired. The weeks are passing by too quickly for me; one more week and it's my birthday. I wonder if I just dread celebrating it. I want more time to myself. I want change. I want to move again. Move on. Quit. I want to sit and watch films all day. I want to stop staring at my screen for a change. I want to stop thinking. I want to be able to write and not think. Now that's a thought. It's summer -- I just want some sleep. Why must I get up so early? I want to listen to records all day. I want to sit in the park. It's sunny outside -- why am I indoors? I want. A lot, apparently. Where is the time?

may I just say...

I hate the summer. I hate the summer. I hate the summer. Strange how much I've dreaded the summer approaching ever since I started grad school. There is summer funding and unfinished projects looming ahead, not to mention talking to advisors about my plans. I've spent the last two days loafing, sleeping, and feeling rather guilty about the whole thing as I have deadlines to meet within days. I can't seem to want to get my crap together. Mother of universe, send some inspiration my way. Please let me just get through this coming week, and let it all be over.

revitalized

So my presentation in class was rather productive and engaging that the experience has reaffirmed what I do what I do, and more importantly, why I enjoy what I do. Now it is crunch time -- one last presentation and two or three more papers to go! In other news, April has not been the cruellest month, as Eliot once said; in fact, there is something in the air that smacks of spring fling or romance --whatever it is, it has been a lovely distraction.

just had to say

I've been fortunate to have been surrounded by friends and aquaintances who have come in to my life at some particular point. Doubtless, they have come and gone. But every now and then, like this, I can trace a part of themselves in me--what I listen to, what I read, what I watch. What I like.

distractions

Yeah, I caved in this afternoon and made myself two cups of coffee with soy milk. I feel only mildly disappointed about giving in so soon. I was bored. I wanted my routine back in swing. I was home all afternoon reading a novel for myAfrican-American novel class -- what else was missing? So there are a few things lined up that I just need to see in bullet-form:

• tonight (or early morning) write 2 page reflection on my prof's conference presentation
• finish reading novel for Friday.
• get haircut after friday class.
• watch "This Film is not yet Rated" (maybe friday night)
• Sat morning work; read and maybe do laundry
• Sat Dinner with friend.
• Sunday morning work. Read all afternoon for Monday class.
• Sunday night think and draft ideas for paper due Friday
• After monday class, got to gig and see IAMX
• Tues, Wed, Thurday night read and write 10 page paper for Friday class.

update later.

slowing things down Day 5

Last week I gave up soy lattes and then decided to give up coffee-- not altogether, of course, but for a while. Which could mean a week or two or whatever. The new healthy resolution is to stay away from coffee after 5pm. I'm switching to green tea for whatever good it will do me. I even started taking my vitamins semi-regularly; of course, after day 4 I catch a cold--Damn. It's like when I try to exfoliate my skin with a mild scrub, thinking I'm removing old layers of skin and then the next day I break out on my forehead. What the hell?

So I've been in bed all day, skipped class, drinking half the carton of OJ, and a glass of hot lemon drink with honey. Oh yes, I actually had chicken noodle soup just to cover my base. At least today I watched one film--Guest's For Your Consideration--which wasn't as funny as his last film. Discovered lots of good music on myspace: the whitest boy alive, death in June, new Air. Oh yeah, I got tickets to go see I am X for next Monday. Yay! Haven't been to a concert in ages. Oh. and I'm getting a raise at my job.

Now if I can just stop sneezing and stop thinking that I'm behind school work. Ugh. two novels behind.

My Sunday: Is this sweet?

Just a quick way into blogging ritual (or lack thereof) -- no, really, perhaps the thing to do is blog once a week. So today wasn't unproductive, but it went like this, bullet style:

• woke up at 9 am and had coffee and toast.
• proceeded to organize dirty laundry and then showered.
• 11:30 - 1:30 went to laundry mat and did some reading.
• made a salad and ate left over slice of Endless Summer pizza (essentially BBQ sauce, cheese, and chicken pizza) and cleaned up the kitchen.
• 2:30 pm I slip into newly washed yoga attire (which is now sleepwear) and crawl back in bed to read novel for Friday's class.
• Read a few pages and doze off for, oh, 3o or 40 min, and back to reading.
• make dinner and back to reading. Total pages read thus far? 64 pages.
• and after this, back to reading. maybe try writing a paragraph? something?

At least laundry is out of the way for a while. I really loath the fact that being home compels me to do random chores around the house--wiping inside microwave, taking inventory of the veggies in the fridge. God knows we have not cooked in a while. Ugh. Otherwise. I just need more sleep. more reflections about classes later--no, not one month later.

rants: it's bad when

(a) dinner is suddently around 10:42 pm; (b) showering at 2 am so as to save time in the morning ;(c) finally hitting the hay around 2:30 am (with damp hair so as not to wake up the roommate with the blowdrier!); (d) getting up for work at 6:30 am; (e) realizing that part-time work does not cover the $600 dollars in paying bills for the month of Jan ; (f) finally it is bad when I am completely lagging on my paper!!! Seriously, now I have almost 11 pages and it is still not in good shape.

I hope the universe grants me 4 restful hours that remain and not toss and turn or think about my paper one bit.

I want curl up too

I'd rather sleep than write, for sure.

indecisive

Half the day is gone now. The plan was to sit and try to finish my overdue paper; in fact, yesterday was my external deadline. I mean, I told my prof I'd have something done in two weeks, but technically now it is one day late, and it already 4:30 pm. Yesterday was at least productive as I managed to write 3 whole pages, which is a step up. Maybe I'm just sick of staying home and trying to write -- I used to be able to convince myself to work at a cafe, but schlepping my books and latop was always a question. I half wish I lived near campus again, since last semester I used to write in library and get something done. So now I just go for a quick walk to get my double soy latte (which I get free from cafe job, thankfully). In the last week, I've been doing lots of reading and scribbling notes that will end up on the paper. The problem is I've started like 3 or 4 drafts, all of which start in a different way but similar ideas. It's always like, should I start with a historical/literary context first? or should I begin with the actual topic and consider why it is worth studying? Or should I start in media res and write part of the "case" I am analyzing? Every time I read an article I am at a total loss. "I wish I can write like this" is what end up thinking.

I just need to write. I just need to write and finish (!) and then submit the blasted paper already! okay, so it is about 5pm and need to get something done before midnight, since I work at 6:30 in the morning. No golden globes and no looking at itunes or myspace music to listen to the Knife.