disturbed

things to blog about after the chaos that is final papers:

• new pal Spaz -- funny, funny person
• writing groups!
• the loss of deconstruction

I feel disturbed about this, so why am I constructing this:

gender--> body--> experience--> work (book)

how do i remove the "body" from this? by saying it's not "natural"? but a "construction" ? GAH!

why, why why (infinityX)

mull over

Does authenticity beg/demand a discussion of the body? I am not sure if i am confusing authenticity with authorship.

One claim for my paper is that Chabon wants to break the identification of gay men writing "gay content". after all, who says a straight author cant write about "gay" characters with an "authentic" experience.

In addition, because he disrupts this binary, he is able to win both straight and gay readers -- moving in and out of this binary structure. this mobility is positive for post- structuralist and deconstructors, but for a queer project -- is this enough? does this produce social change?

but before reaching that finale of crossover appeal, must one explain how an assumption like a "gendered" or named as "gay" under a sign is tied to a "body"?

which is something like an assumption that a woman, whose body under the sign of a "lesbian" produces an "authentic" lesbian experienc? does that make sense at all? Is this a discussion of authenticity? and authorship is based on the writer and the book, right? ie. gay author with gay characters and themes. Right?

more later.

prone to panic

It's around this time when I feel like hiding under my comforts, hoping to fade away. What, pray tell, keeps me going? Probably the strange mix of enjoyment and fear of disappointment from various people -- mentors -- who have shaped me in so many ways. To disappoint them by not being able to sustain all the ups and downs of grad life, I realize, would be my own disappointment at having failed at something so important to me.

I've had dreams of telling folks about leaving academic life entirely behind me -- that is, after I finish my MA program. Perhaps I am deliberately setting that up so that I don't have the anxiety of having to"do something" with my degree, but it's probably an illusion.

And with this small task of a paper looming ahead, it's so EASY for me to fall apart and whine. I feel like I can't get enough done out of my day, and it's bugging the hell out of me today. I know this is not a constructive way of dealing with my self-doubts but I do feel like disappearing. Didn't Holden Caufield used to say that? ugh.

in the dead of morning

I've always had trouble sleeping -- I am thinking a glass of wine will help ease my mind. Had a bit last night and crawled into bed at 1 am. I would love to be able to go to bed at that time on a regular basis. Why do I kick myself for being completely useless when clearly I chose to spend the day popping in and out of stores with hordes of shoppers the day after turkey day?

I basically took two days off from paper writing. Now it's going to be serious hell for me this week, what, with two essays from peers that need feedback. But what else is new? I wish I had more time. O well.

a local poet

I was editting some work at a blues cafe yesterday afternoon when a tall guy sitting in back my study mate handed me a piece of paper and said, "you can read it later, when you're not busy with your work." Okay, maybe not direct quotation but along those lines. So I gaze at the paper and find it hard to make out the words as it was written in a fancy, swirling font -- you know, like The Nightmare Before Christmas font. And no, I don't mean in italics. Here's what was written:

You are now wrapped in

the infinite and tender embrace

of a fairly delicious and

utterly precious moment

that I am incredibly

fortunate to be able to

share with you

through these carefully immobilized [imortalized?]

ink-smitten word-forming

meaning-conveying letter

0511201546

Sounds crytic? No, not really, except for the font and design. Study mate says, "are those numbers a phone number? I say, "hm, I thought it was a date." Now why did I say that?! Clearly it is not the month of May (duh), and those numbers are far too many. so that's Sunday for you. More cafe-hopping adventures, perhaps.

Dead...

tired that is. I've had a spurt of 15 minutes of productivity in the last 3 hours -- and mind you, I am in the library, keeping track of time! I had a latte at 5pm, so why do i find myself yawning? Do i need more caffeine? So thought I'd try to exercise some writing demons for a bit before getting back to my oh-so-dreadful rough draft that needs to be posted online in 2 days. How much work have a started? Well, I've got the making of an argument and a working outline for me to follow until I hit dead thoughts and blank stares.

Nice that it is so peaceful in our reading room, however. I wonder if I can pull another hour of cutting and pasting some work. My brain doesn't seem to want to cooperate; in fact, this blogger feels like ranting about physical ailments. Though i have been stretching my neck every half hour, my shoulders have been carrying rocks, large ones. So they feel tight and all knotty. Stop yawning!!
okay, we'll see how far i get done by 7:30 pm. Whoo.

is this really me?

Well, here goes another spurt of unproductivity:

The Nymph Deliberate Brutal Sex Dreamer (DBSDf) Sly. Sensual. Guarded. Different somehow. You are The Nymph. It appears like you're looking for a fling or a casual sexual relationship, but it's not that simple. You're a hungry but also very careful person, and this generates a certain amount of sexual tension within you and in your relationships. In other aspects of life, you get what you want. In relationships, that's not always the case. It's possible you intimidate potential lovers. Most likely, though, you're a little closed off--therefore mysterious--and, naturally, people find that difficult to get with. Maybe it's just part of your selection Your exact opposite: The Peach Random Gentle Love Master process, though. You've been in enough relationships to know to expose yourself slowly. When you do feel comfortable with someone, though, your torrid sexual appetite will make her very happy. Your cautious nature is also a big asset in a long-term relationship. It might take longer for love to establish itself, but when it does, it's all the stronger. ALWAYS AVOID: The Battleaxe CONSIDER: The Playstation Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

beatifully warm

I've been amazingly calm for the week, even happy, I think. Strange that the feeling of happiness comes in such a strange time -- it's paper crunch time, so I should feel totally chaotic by now. But I wonder if this is part of my procrastination and denial that I can actually pull two 15 pagers this week, or if I really am confident that I can cobble something together.

plan for today:

• get preliminary argument done for Monday class
• write randomly about Winterson -- test out one argument and see where it develops.
• look for shoes or I could look for a red or black low heel (but I walk a lot, and really do not go out that much)
• I could use a black A-line skirt to wear with cute high boots.

okay, i'll check back and see how much I've accomplished. Maybe I am in good spirits because it is sunny!

tell me what comes to mind?

I signed up for a grad seminar that mixes psychoanalysis and modernism. Two weeks ago I had dropped it thinking that the load might be heavy, but prof left messages about acquiring the book and finding the location of his class (which is in his private practice). Yes, prof is also a therapist -- is that the appropriate term to call an analyst these days? -- and from now on psychoanalytic prof will be called Dr. Joyce.

Last night was the first meeting of the class, and I happen to be the first one to show up and so I struck a conversation with Dr. Joyce. So I got the usual set of questions like what sparked your interest in Psychoanalysis, why did you choose State U, what are you doing with your degree, but maybe after the 2nd or 3rd question he also asked, "Have you ever been treated?". Which of course is a typical question for a psychoanalyst to ask -- but hearing if for the first time struck me as something too private to ask. Why do I think that? Maybe because deep down therapy might help me -- but I feel silly in admitting it; is it b/c the word in "treament" makes me feel (or rather I make myself feel) like i'm a walking basketcase. Or perhaps I think getting treatement will somehow fuck me up in the head and make me even more self-conscious. But then we can all benefit from just talking and maybe then I can come to terms with my own fears, my own bewilderment about graduate school. I guess blogging is my own way of the talking cure and everything I say here will be part of something larger.

So I sat for a moment lost in my own thoughts while Dr. Joyce was talking about how people generally people have a hard time with the question "tell me what comes to your mind?" Anything, and what you pick up on is what's NOT being said. So while I feel like my blog is confessional, i also wonder if I am burying something else -- at least, I don't think I am, not conscious of it. I also wonder whether it would be a good idea to invite some friends to read this, mostly b/c it is hard to keep in touch with folks; but I guess if I "out" myself, it will defeat the whole purpose of blogging anonymously. There's a fear of self-exposure, my own troubles, my own naivete. On the other hand, there is a built-in narcissim in all this that desires other people to comment on what I'm thinking. Incidentally, I was thinking about how fun it is to people-watch on public trans -- the folorn looks on people's faces in the train, folks reading or sleeping or slouching, and what I arrived at is having other people gaze at me (and my own image) while I gaze back at them. Okay, so i got totally sidetracked here.

Anyway, only three students showed up this time around (apparently 6 folks enrolled). Now I have decided to stick it out b/c in part, the other students are more experienced (one guy is already writing is diss), the other girl is a poet. So this kind of environment might be good for me. If anything, I will just get to know Joyce's life, even if we don't go over clinical stuff. I will just think of it as a "warm up," or another kind of "training" to detect patterns, motifs. And what's more, I get to revel in Joyce's writing! After all, I don't think I will find myself taking seminars in Modernism anytime soon, so it's good to get all this background on the period.

okay, so it's 3 pm and I must:

• read one essay and post a question in 3 hours
• write odd pieces for Dr. Ivy league's paper
• collect quotes and think about a central argument for Fem paper
• read 50 pages of Orlanda (trying to read 50 a day in time for thurs)

which is more important? probably the final papers, b/c i NEED to start thinking about them NOW. hm, so maybe browse to essay first and think of a question in one hour. Oh, and get laundry.

Dr. Ivy league

I just want to take a moment to admire Dr. Ivy league. I was so totally daunted by the amount of work for the class -- weekly posts on questions about readings, 4 mini presentations (yes, it' only 10 min each but still speaking in public is terrifying), a writing group (yes! including analysis of other people's drafts!) the final paper, which doesn't simply apply a theory to cultural text but rather discovering or scrutinizing why it is we are so intrigued by a particular topic (for me, it's sexual ambiguity), and then a mock conference where we present our final papers to our peers!

So i have just been thinking about what her possible goals for the class -- that is, what she really wants to accomplish as a teacher, what she wants us to walk away with after the last 3 weeks of class. I think she is doing something really interesting with our final papers, which is unlike my other seminars. For instance, Fem prof just wants us to do a feminist reading of a book-- 15 pages plus research. But for Dr. Ivy leage -- it's all about me, my interests; it's about really trying to zero in why I really like doing what I do, why my reading or analysis matters. She wants us to be critics and to have a dialogue with all the theoretical works we've read this semester.

Of course, I also think she is pushing us to articulate our interests and ideas for the MA thesis. So I feel like our final paper, to some extent, is preparing us for that thesis. My interests will define who I am, what kind of academic I will be, and the kind of scholarly work I do. My experience matters. So, Dr. Ivy league -- you are inspiring and I value your work. I hope you get tenured, and if students have another opportunity to write a recommendation for you, I will totally do it.

deadline

Okay, so it's midnight and I have say, 1.5 hours to :

• clean my messy room in 10 min ? just light stuff, piling stuff in neat and orderly fashion and throwing out garbage while I am at it.
• Must write something about what I find intriguing in my project for my meeting with prof tomorrow. So, write a kind of dialogue about what you want to say to Prof and maybe test out ideas and ask for suggestions--but only if I can articulate what truly interests me.

My mantras for the week:

• Write before you do anything else in your day (qtd in diss in15)
• It's okay if your writing is incoherent this week; just write something.

Is it possible to write one page a day? Is that too little?

okay, stick to this for tomorrow!!!

Safe

I've had an amazing weekend of unproductivity, which was spent watching the first six episodes of the Sopranos -- quite good. So although I haven't the time to divulge the details of my weekend, I just wanted to write quickly what has been swirling in my head, which might be part of another longer post at some p0int in time. Basically I have been reflecting a lot about my patterns -- old and new. Why is it that I have never truly wanted to be number 1 in anything -- and i wonder if this lack of competitive nature will affect my "success" in graduate school. I was/am always content with being 2nd place -- the safer route or the "good enough"; this is a scary thought for me. But does this mean I don't push myself enough? That I don't go out there and expose myself? I know i can't turn back time and torture myself for the reasons I have chosen to go to XX school and why I was happy with B+ average, but maybe I am not smart enough and don't want others to know -- or, more likely, I don't want to realize or admit to myself that I'm just not smart enough for this kind of life.

I guess it is also kind of psychologically painful to tell myself that I'm not "smart" enough, and honestly, I don't want to think that. I just want to make it out all right -- I don't have to be in the spotlight, but I should push myself harder to do better.

"I grow old..I grow old"

this is me at home on a friday, the night of our graduate pub night.

10:3o: I could use an apple martini. Yes, I should make an appearance. you know, say "hi" to other graduate students in our dept. Friend K will be there. She just got there, so I suspect she will be there late.

walk out in the cold with a scarf and wait for public trans ...

10:50 in the cold: where is public trans? it's almost 11 pm! This is dumb ... who goes to a pub after 11 pm? (Okay, I should say that majority of folks in my dept who go to these pubs are women. They leave after a while and grab a bite to eat...so... will they still be there?) Now I don't want to hang out with crusty locals.

10: 55: No, no, no I really should stay in. Yes. Stay in. I should read Ellison, bc I was reading in bed just a few minute ago, but it's just that I craved a drink. God, I should have a friggin' bar in my room!

11pm: walking back home in the cold: yes, see? the public trans was late b/c it's a sign. A sign that I should crank up the volume and listen to boards of canada at home and blog instead. Yes... and then after I can read before bed. That way, I can wake up early and hit the library before I see "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" live. Yes, and then get a drink.

11:10: Boy, I could use a drink.

"Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?"