welcome back spells

How does one get over the not knowing enough spell? Enter bad thought: what's the harm in staying an extra semester? No rush, right? More classes and more time to think about how one actually puts together a thesis package that will make schools go, hmm... now that was quasi-productive. Need another fill of coffee, I think. I hate using the weather as an excuse for my lethargic start, but some sun might help me perk up.

monday bullets of anxiety

• It-changed-my-life books -- I’m still looking. What I find disappointing is that I really did think I enjoyed what I read. Still enjoy, I mean. Sometime last semester, however, I now see that I was gradually drifting farther from what I enjoyed the most, which I can’t, at present, fully understand. Sure, I wrote seminar papers that were of interest to me, but finding works that I loved were so few. What, how, and why that changed suddenly occurred is a loss. On the one hand, I thought that I just wasn’t “excited” about the discussions in class, nothing that really knocked me down. On the other hand -- maybe on a positive note – is that maybe I’m just outgrowing old interests and developing new ones?
• In the midst of writing a paper last semester, I actually did hear my voice, my opinion and felt comfortable about laying it out in the open.
• In the course of reading and writing papers, I’ve noticed a lot of dated material, dated arguments I’ve used. Sure, at first I got an introduction to theoretical schools of thought and performed “readings,” but now feel so largely uninspired.
• I felt incredibly displaced today when I was in a room full of Early Modern/Renaissance students. That is to say sometimes I’m inclined to construct a “grad student template,” self-disciplined students who are extremely focused about their ideas and choices (I call them born grad students -- strike that, I mean students who have always known they wanted to be professors). This template that I compare myself to obviously questions my own academic identity (of lack thereof). So now I am unmistakenly loopy.
• Must pick primary text to work on!
  

Restless

Currently I feel terribly irritated, agitated, and anxious, which might mean a long night of tossing and turning. gah. The only activity I accomplished today was do my laundry -- haha, yeah, oh man. Actually I would have waited until the very last minute, but work entails white shirts; it's a drag, because I simply do not own enough white shirts (just four!), soI am forced to do laundry more often. what else? I am meeting the Pre-1800 Prof to discuss TA duties. That's probably why I feel like my head is swirling. Let us hope I get a copy of the syllabus ahead of time. So much for getting a head start on reading material for that class. If I have some reservations about my decision to TA for pree-1800, it is probably because I imagine it will sway me farther from the real reading, the work that I am supposed to be working on. It is something else to be TA-ing for a class that is related to my own readings. But I whine. Maybe I should refresh my head a little of what I do know about Old English so as to make a good impression and feel better about what the hell I'll be doing. So, okay, I've got 2 hours before midnight. Must turn off Pandora !!!!

"Little B"

I feel like her whenever I'm at my desk.

And in the morning...

I decide whether to spend 20 minutes of jogging and then grab a loaf of whole grain on the way back, or coffee and leasure read a while, or blogging and replying to emals. Grr. Or pet the house cat. sigh.. actually she seems to be carressing the corner of my laptop now.

"Step away from the baby," I often say.
"C'mon, give me some lovin.'" Purr...

I planned on seeing a performance-based exhibit this afternoon -- here's hoping I stick to that plan! Excited about this. sigh...

update 41 minutes later: maybe i should stay in and actually look at my paper? O well. no jogging this mornin, just yoga stretches will do under time constraint. ugh. Update at 2 pm: well, no use going to exhibit now; it's practically an all afternoon event that entails viewing video installations, plus extra stuff. O well. it was a spur of the moment plan I thought of last night as I was looking at my calendar. Another day. No trouble.

100th post

100 entries of random observations, speculations, rants, and bullets of anxieties. Weeeh. Decision. Decisions. I’ve been trying to get back into the groove of blogging more reflective thoughts about new changes and discoveries of my own this summer, but currently I feel like I am always wrestling between blogging to clear my head, which never ceases to calm my nerves before bedtime, or reading a novel before 1 am or 1:30 am. Moreover, I recently started working at a bakery, so I absolutely need to train myself to sleep earlier in order to get up at 5:30 am and shower, get dressed, eat a banana (if I am lucky), and get to work at 6:30. For me, it is somewhat hard to decide what to do, say, after work or school. I love to make meals, but during the semester devoting at least 2 hours every night to cook is too much, what, with preparations, cooking time, taking my sweet little time to eat my food, and then cleaning up. I have one more week left before classes resume, so I’ve pretty much given up on cramming more research related reading. This means I can just enjoy and finish reading Auster’s new novel over the weekend and then perhaps read a novella. The end of summer whining just got fired up. Whoo.

Decisions. It is so aggravating sometimes. I still have 30-40 min of reading time alloted for tonight. Perhaps I will even cheat and sleep at 2 am since no work tomorrow. okay!

Blasted, blasted blogger

Mother of f'n universe, I just lost my wrap up of blasted Sunday post. I clicked on save draft to proofread but no. All flippin' gone. well, from now on I'll have to type everything on WORD. blasted blasted thing.

It used to be...

... a real joy -- delirious and wicked fun -- reading fiction during the long summer break, even enjoyed spending most of my time staying home. Long live the wee hours of The Dead Father. what am I going to do now?

racing thoughts

Last night I made a vodka tonic while my roommate and I watched So You Think You Can Dance. Hit the sack around 11:30 pm, got up 8 am and by 8:50 am I was at work sipping coffee. 8 blissful hours. Now it is 2:43 am -- what the hell is wrong with me? I need to post a list of what I need to do before classes resume. let's hope i'm not punchy in the morning. Tough summer.

some fairy dust might help

Dear Writing Fairy,

I really needed a break this past week: I found myself defering my paper revision the minute some cash turned up in my account, which you know is a rare occasion. I needed some cheering. Some shopping, dining out more than once in one day, and watching double feature classic films with bi-coastal friend reminded me of what true happiness is really like. I don't want to feel guilty, or stay up too late to watch "Belly of an Architect," or go on some maniacal cleaning rampage, or freak out because i have only 3 weeks left before classes resume. I really do want to spend more time on my paper. Really. I do! Send some dust my way, won't you? I could really use it as I am behind my schedule.

Please?

-- in pieces