deadbeat

So beat, sooo beat. Why don't I crawl under my sheet? Five long hours spent at cafe, only to write so little today. Or how about a quick cat nap, but don't you know I'll feel like crap, in the middle of the night, when i can no longer fight without my sight. So beat sooo beat. I may just fall asleep.

deadpan thoughts at 1:20 am

Racing against time. Ready to hit the sack. Early by my standards -- yes. YES. Friends from London crashed at my place tonight. The snoring works like a charm -- inspired me to write a bit on dreaded Carver paper. A miraculous piece of news it is: writing, which, for me, comes in spurts of 2 hours, always in the dead of night, until the gas runs out and screen-staring begins.

I was unmotivated to write this paper that in a moment of panic -- last night at this hour, out of sheer desperation, surely -- I emailed a couple of professors (from another class) , and kindly asked for additional sources that might be promising. Both responded this morning, with names of critics. Such glee, on my end. I make an appointment with Psych prof and imagine conversing about Kaja Silverman and Godard. He -- talking endlesly, excitedly. Me -- asking, "will you be my friend" -- or just be on my commitee?

Once, I told Psych prof that I wanted to title a paper "Hit me Baby, one more time: . . ." for the Angela Carter paper. Ha ha. silly, silly student, he must've thought.

Tonight I was tempted to title the Carver paper on voyeurism: "Shhh. All is quiet: . . . in Will You Please Be Quiet, Please " (you know, by Bjork?). Ugh. Gee whiz. Titles -- takes up lots of brain energy . "Rear Window" -- now there's a voyueristic film.

karplunk.

exuberance

I've been so terribly happy that I just wanted to take a moment to record this. I know I have a lot on my plate for the next few weeks and am probably in denial of the little time I have left until the semester is over, but what do you do when you are overwhelmed with utter joy? I can't seem to contain it, that's for sure. My roommates have been in bed hours ago. The night is still. And what can I do but grin and read until my eyes shut -- or just finish my cran/orange vodka mix and read.

In other news, my prof wound up liking the Sex and the City idea #2 for my paper, so the Angela Carter project will have to wait for another opportunity. It's a shame in other ways, if only b/c i've already done some preliminary research, ordered books, and have even gotten excited over the 1812 edition of Grimm's Snow White (which did not have a stepmother but an envious mother!). So I was quite psyched over the little discoveries I've made thus far, but now am even more thrilled, I gather, that I can look at Sex and the City as a cultural phenomenon. I confess I'm really not familiar with the show as i have never had cable growing up in my household; in fact, I've always felt somewhat odd as I was the only one of my friends who didn't get to watch VH1! So there you go. the late bloomer. But this project will give me the opportunity to sit, watch tv, and take copious notes on all things such as lesbian visibility! Whoo!

4 weeks left of classes -- a list

cultural crit

• Compare 2 versions of Grimm's Snow Drop
• Read criticism/reception of oral tales
• Watch Disney's Snow white
• Read criticism -- what gets removed/introduced/reinforced
• Read Carter criticism -- the Sadeian Woman, selected writings
• Continue typing notes for synthesis paper

Short story

• sort out stories
• get criticism on voyeurism in Carver

Postmodernism

• begin writing synthesis of themes

what it's like now

It was passed 10 pm when I made salad, tomato soup, and pancakes for desert. I was so drained all day that I just ate in front of the tube. I glanced to the left to see myself in the mirror, eating my salad out of a tupperware, and it struck me to think of how many more years will I spend nights like this one--coming home from a night class, eating, reading a bit, and finally pulling myself away from books to catch some decent sleep. I think that perhaps I will never divorce myself from certain habits and rituals. I know of some friends who eat Mac and cheese regularly -- something I never really did myself, but can always sympathize with the comfort it brings.

A grad student in class mentioned how she spent Easter Sunday watching Beaches with her roommates. I chuckled. I thought of all the rituals I used to do with my then roommates in college, like taking naps in between classes. It always strikes me when I think of how long I've been in school and the year(s) still to come.


These days I barely even talk to my roommates. We simply go about our own lives, not opening ourselves to a genuine friendship. We know our time sharing the apt is short, maybe only a year. What's the point? I miss whining about my day when I get home. My roommate bawled some nights ago -- a frustrating event with a boyfriend, no doubt -- but I stayed in my room, worrying about my papers.

a sense of ease

I spent a couple of rough nights unable to sleep. Sometimes I fear that if I pass a certain time -- like past 3:30 am -- I will lose my chances of a full, uninterrupted sleep. Of course, I was preparing for a presentation which, to my surprise, flowed smoothly. It struck me because it was probably the calmest presentation I've had to date, that is, no stuttering or monotone voice and whatnot. Pretty miraculous.

Sure, I need to get the usual sleep rhythm in order, but suddenly I found myself rifling for James's "The Beast in the Jungle." Now, I've never even read a Henry James novel, but stranger things have been known to happen, I guess. It's amazing when out of nowhere one is inspired to just read in bed. Feels likes ages since i've done that, but there you go.

In other news, I was pleasantly surprised when I spoke to my cultural crit prof as though I were talking to a familiar friend. So for a brief moment the prof/student relationship collapsed -- I wanted to go on and open the conversation to my thinking and writing block, but something in held back. It was great just the way it was, so perhaps another time.

closer to fine

I discovered the Indigo Girls doing "Closer to Fine" via Aspiring Academic ,who then led me to listening to this hilarious academic version of the said song at Ph.D comics. I can't say how much that song resonates: "it's only research after all ...my thesis took my posture and shrank it...we don't even workout" but finally it is sad to hear.

And when I'm done with this program, then what? Who knows where I will move? Who knows where I will move? Do I even welcome moving? I can finally place some happy, happy moments in this city -- this life (or lack thereof) -- this year. But moving again and again is a post that I'll keep returning too, no doubt.

One of my best friends decided to move to the city this summer, which means we might move in together, if all goes well. But then Psych girl, my study-at-cafes partner in academia, got a job elsewhere, so she'll be here up until she finishes her dissertation in the summer -- and then who knows? I keep losing friendships here.

loafing

I really should not feel guilty for websurfing since this is, thankfully, my spring break. I managed to get ahead on my readings for next week, but have yet to prepare for presentation and write the damn scholarship application. I tried to do some reading yesterday; in fact, i wholeheartedly planned on actually writing some Carver materials, but what did i find myself doing? A couple -- or maybe even 3 -- nights ago I watched a rerun of Sex and the City, the episode where Miranda gets set up with a woman b/c her coworker mistakenly thought she was a lesbian. Well, I was in the bath and suddenly i found myself rushing out to write about the episode (I was afraid I'd lose the thoughts). Mind you, I only wrote 2 pages, but it felt good to be engaged, question the stakes and risks. I guess I love the "moments" of utter enthusiasm, however rare i think these moments are becoming.

In other news, I started reading Fanny Hill! And before blogging I was suring for transgender articles from Alt.weeklies.com . Not bad for a thursday afternoon, i think. On a sad note, my scheduled happy hour god cancelled. Clearly I must reschedule.

God, i hope to see a film sometime this weekend -- we'll see.

spring break list

Priority:

• read 3 essays and take notes for next monday's class
• read Paley's Enormous Changes at the Last Minute for monday
• research prep work for Carver presentation for next tuesday-- read NYT articles and book reviews.
• email prof about presentation topic and ask questions
• write statement for scholarship due next week
• begin writing thoughts down for the synthesis paper in cultural crit.
• scribble ideas for PoMo class

think about:

• prospectus for cultural crit: Coover and Carter comparison, or lesbian vampire short story? maybe work on a film?
• read criticism for Carter and C0over
• read postmodernism criticism -- Jameson?
• prospectus for Carver: voyeurism and desire, or "queer" readings of a few stories? must decide on stories to focus on.
• read Carver country, plus books reviews and journal articles, voyeurism in Carver.

hanging over my head:

• one presentation remaining
• 3 final papers (technically 4, because of the synthesis paper!)
• look for a summer JOB. gah!

what I would like to read for leisure but unlikely:

• Fanny Hill
• Metastases of Enjoyment
• essay by Berlant in Left Critique

Sigh. Of course, I hope to be productive this week, but in between happy hour, season 5 of the Sopranos, maybe History of Violence and laundry, well, we'll see how much I get done. I'm going to try to get myself to work in the cafe in the afternoons and see how that fairs.

saturday music videos

the wonders of surfing the net: shoegaze music videos from all the favorites of the early 90s.

playlist includes Ride, Lush, cocteau twins, slowdive, and SO much more. Related is the indiepop playlist, and there is also a britpop (with Suede!) and goth play list as well. But below are some favorites:

my bloody valentine -- soon
primal scream -- higher than the sun
pale saints -- kinky love
stone roses -- I wanna be adored
JAMC -- happy when it rains
Air -- cherry blossom girl

sigh.. oh the days

debt

I was over psych girl's pad in the heart of downtown shopping center last night. After making our own strawberry martini mix on a Friday night -- that is, after we left the local pub where we met a brave soul who said he didn't like Auster! -- we, or rather I, grumbled about my student loans.

backstory: psych girl and I met by chance whilst walking down the street; it was Halloween night and we happen to be heading in the same direction, or lack thereof. The public trans system was on halt b/c a bunch of crazy students decided to walk IN the tunnel after X-line broke down. As we were both new to the city and hadn't a clue as to where the hell we were headed (we were following the crowd), we finally shared a cab, exchanged digits and email. In retrospect, I think that's what I love about living in new to a city -- the random (and sometimes pregnant) exchanges with people.

Anyway, she turns out to be a 5th year counseling psychology grad student at Brand Name U, and is thus currently frantic about her diss writing -- or again, lack thereof. So I was in my usual and boring (or favorite?) topic of conversation: should I enter the PhD program after my MA or not? a 9-5 sucks too but the piled student debt? Sigh. She tells me her loan history thus far: 10, 000 ish at private women's college in Boston; approximately 25,000 ish at Harvard (where she did a one year MA program); and currently owes nothing, NOTHING at another Brand Name School -- after 5 years? I was totally astounded. Of course, she slaves away with all the scholarship and grant essays, but owes nothing? Do social science grad students really get more funding?? Even more, I was totally awestrucked when she showed me an article that she co-wrote with her advisor, and has another chapter that just got accepted and will be published by Oxford press!! Sheer Brilliance. what about me? bewildered, as usual.

But I am happy to be in the company of admirable students.

Saturday night: no work -- it's spring break!! a list of plans tomorrow for sure!