worn out

It's at this point of the semester where I inevitably just lose the energy to focus on my work. I think I may be officially weary of my classes. Maybe I'm just in a funk, I tell myself, but I don't want to pick up my books. I want the semester to be over already -- it's too long. I took a day off today because god knows I certainly wasn't going to miss anything in short story class. What I know is that no matter how much I adore a writer, never take the class if the prof doesn't "excite" you. O well.

Of course I totally abandoned my things-to-do-before-noon list, which is okay b/c laundry and grocery and a trip to bank weren't too important. THough i did want these tasks out out of the way. So I sat myself on my table, pulled out 3 bio/criticism, and managed to skim through only 1 and half (half b/c it was part picture book, so okay, maybe 2 books). But I didn't take enough notes since nothing seemed to grab me. The annoying part is that I took the day off to narrow down the possible topics for presentation and final paper, and I'm back to square one: I could do X or Y or could do both and add Z theme. It's frustrating, to say the least, and the worst part is that I started going to bed at 3 am and waking at 11 am again. I set my alarm earlier, but sleep is so precious now.

Okay, so its 11:35 pm. I need to at crank out an hour of reading and hope that my eyes will glaze over that I turn in early. Two more days of classes and I can unwind at happy hour. Seriously my saving grace recently -- okay, the past two weeks -- has been talking, drunkenly, with these gals from my theory class last semester. We've planned to shake our feathers at an 80s club. I am so ready for my Spring break next week -- yes, very late in the semester.

Here's a quote from Milan Kundera's The Unberable Lightness of Being:

We can never know what to want,

because, living only one life, we neither

compare it with our previous lives

nor perfect it in our lives to come.

One of these days I will read this book. Right now it seems nearly perfect.

driven by something.

I goofed around the internet for the last two hours, searching for books I can borrow from my library, and then blog surfing took over. It is past 1 am. I am exhausted (and have been feeling mechanical for the last two weeks). My neck and shoulders are tight. The downward dog pose seems to be on demand, you know, just to loosen up and stop thinking for a while. I watched Sex and the City reruns two nights in a row and have been randomly switching channels to pass time. Pass time -- even I'm in disbelief as I write this. But that's right -- I watched regular TV. Perhaps it was a mental breakdown just a couple of nights before my paper was due. Ah, no. Procrastination, my faithful friend.

It is still raining -- wasn't a month of rain enough? No, apparently not. I jokingly said to a friend tonight that it will probably rain for the next 2 months. Probably. Two is magical number tonight.

So, happily, I handed in my paper -- it is done. A sigh of relief. And now back to the shuffle of things, only this time -- however fleeting a moment -- I am giddy and excited. Finally? I walked out of class tonight feeling invigorated and ready to ask questions, make lists, think of end of the semester papers. I feel a certain urgency to reflect on my current interests. Are the ideas evolving? Becoming complicated, I want to say, is my fantasy. I want a trace of what it is I am doing, and where I going with it. I have a chain of scholars/critics that I am thrilled about. I want a connection (need a faster connection?)

Perhaps I was hibernating.

Just two more months left in the semester. I am content, once again. Strange -- what else?

More lists to come, doubtless.

mixed

Considerate Artist

After visiting several blogs, I decided to take the personality test too. While the result is mostly accurate -- considerate, open, quiet -- I feel uneasy and highly suspicious of what it says about me, as though I need to somehow disprove that I am all of these things. Similarly, I react the same upon receiving compliments and feel the need to say, "Gee, thanks" with a bewildered expression, only to say, "moving along" in silence. Apparently I spend more time thinking of the "why" questions and less about the "how." My reaction smacks of insecurity, but nothing new there.

Today my cultural crit prof made a reference to a comment I made on Monday, which surprised me (in a good way). My prof isn't easily approachable and can be quite intimidating and stoic that it's hard to tell what he thinks about our comments, and ultimately our intellectual maturity. But here I go again seeking some kind of approval, some validation that I am somehow on the "right" track. So I was content, if only to feel that I contributed something to our discussion, which always makes a difference at the end of the day. Too bad I can't say that my other lit classes are as stimulating as cultural crit.

I have a potential idea for the final paper but still rather inchoate. Idea one is to look at Angela Carter's "The Bloody Chamber" and perhaps think about destablizing fairy tales, myths, the cult of innocence, virginity, and the sadomasochism. I need to look at some articles and see what's being said. Of course, I can also work with a film and link Carter's stories -- I think I love her.

reading goal in 1.5 hours

I need to learn to break my "things to read" list into smaller chunks throughout the day. I've imbibed 2 cups of coffee thus far, so i'm more or less good to go. Task: 3 semi-short essays to read, plus write -- type -- the claims, reasons, and warrants for each one -- it's now 2:20 pm and i need to get this done by 4 pm. Let me at least get something done this Friday afternoon. Now, if it doesn't rain later in the day I should treat myself to Indian take out (unless friend joins me and we eat in, though unlikely at this point of the day). Okay! Maybe I can even squeeze a shorter piece.

update : 12:12 am

Evidently I have a poor sense of how much work I can accomplish in 1.5 hours. Now, the important thing to note is that I did 2 out 3 readings and was able to connect the authenticiy essays and articles with other materials and note some questions. (which reminds me, must bring up Frey in our class discussion in light of authorship/authenticity).

Henry Louis Gates's 1991 NYT book review of "Education of Little Tree" quotes Samuel Goldwyn's "theory of sincerity, authenticity remians essential: once you can fake that, you've got it made." Now that's pretty apt -- maybe there is still new work to be done in authorship.

Anyway, glad I got something done. On a sad note: never made it to Indian food either. It hailed! So I wound up making pasta, which was great but not quite what my tastebuds craved. One last note: yesterday I also saw TransAmerica, which I enjoyed for the most part. There were a couple of scenes that were pretty exciting (in a kind of "whoa, it would be interesting -- creepy -- if the son made out with the father, no, wait, I mean 'mother.'" But it was also kind of tame. O well, still good to see.

If I can get more done saturday, then I might see a Pinter play with my theory class!

it's about time!

Hooray -- I finally got down to our library and checked out a bunch of books I've been coveting, which saved me at least $60. Too bad the Butler and Garber I wanted were checked out, but there you go. Now I can keep renewing these books until the semester ends!

Feeling good already.

agitation

Okay, so I tend to participate in crit class a lot, but I am too grounded in text. That's me -- not to the point where I think the work is unalterable, but I make references to the text, reminding people what such critic said, you know, to remind me what the critic is arguing about. It saddens me, however, to admit it is sickening in lots of ways; but now I am aware of what I do.

Problem: too much theory -- or theorizing -- paralyzes people from engaging in a serious debate, or not even debates but just candidly talking -- opening up conversations about problems/arguments /assumptions at stake. What else? sounds like a debate about theory vs practice, that is, effecting change on a grassroots level.

How do you talk about culture when there is too much theory? What happens? exclusion and alienation. What do you do, or how do you address a problem when part of the problem lies in the power structures of an institution? publish an article that addresses concerns?

Sometimes I think I am really, really close to articulating what Cultural prof says, but still not quite, and I end up feeling like a pebble, a speck, a piece of unwanted lint. But it is strange to work with Cultural prof knowing that he is grounded in psychoanalysis, b/c everything seems to come down to internalization of power structures to the point where one no longer questions but accepts the institution, complicit in its actions.

another problem: Now, do I spout psychoanalytic jargon b/c I have internalized my Prof's bent, b/c i noticed that i've been leaning towards internalization and mass fantasy and i can't tell if i really think that, or i've suddenly been influenced by prof. In other words, am I just feeding prof what he wants to hear? like a pat on my back? Hm. what other explantions did I have before the internalization of big Other?


(example in class: not voting as a woman, but internalizing and therefore subscribing to the dominant institutional ideology).

Reminder:
Post about Dr. Ivy league's advice.

embracing geekdom

I didn't realize until this afternoon what a bunch of geeks we -- lit people -- really are. A friend of mine hosted a Sunday brunch reunion with folks from my theory class, and I have to say it was kind of surreal and exciting and strange. Yes, a strange bubble, a haven, a culture of book enthusiasts, thinkers, and writers -- doubtless.

I had always speculated what academic faculty parties might be like: folks talking about recent books/articles they've read or published, indelibly impressing peers (and no, our shindig wasn't the kind geek fest that had participants reciting Beowulf lines in Old English); but still, in our own strange way we resemble the kind of community I imagined myself a part of, where lofty aspirations -- literary or not -- bounce off from one another, a space full of energy.

Like any brunch that serves mimosas and Italian sparkling wine, some of us had too many and was rambling on and on. Finally, I got the opportunity to talk to my theory prof in a non-academic setting, which was nice and intimate. I don't think I could have asked about her own specific work and interest during office hours, so it was a real treat to hear her so excited about a vampire course she is conceiving; heck, it was thriling just to be able to talk to her on a personal level. So at one point I mentioned how her class was so much more "ambitious" than my other classes -- I can't believe I admitted it to her -- but I guess at one point I fantasized describing how much I adored her and to her work (this is the same Dr. Ivy league I am talking about). I am certain she found it amusing -- indeed it was a compliment! -- but I was also simultaneously caught off guard. But she was there ... listening, and I wondered if being with us was a kind of nostalgic trip to the early years of graduate life, as young novices.

debt/death -- who can tell the difference?

I was trying to actually organize my bookshelf and my closet and sort things out.

wishful self 1: Can i really afford to get a couple of sweaters dry cleaned?

practical self: Okay, not really.

naive self : Is it possible for me to stay away from shops for the month of March?

practical self: I probably could if I didn't go to downtown so much out of boredom.

wise, experienced self: But if i didn't get out as much, well, I will get myself in trouble with Amazon or itunes.

practical self: good point -- i've seen that before.

in debt self: do not go to Sephora because you have the essentials -- that's all the matters. Remember to save for pub nite. Do not go to coffeeshops b/c you brew great coffee. NO MORE theory books. Currently you just got: 1) Fink 2) Delueze 3) Zizek 4) new Auster 5) Wendy Brown. And that's not even for classes. You have enough to tide you over!!!

wishful self: oooooh, but look at the latest distraction: David Aubrey jewerly!!! What if i just get a set and then stop? boy oh boy this is too much.

go to bed. stop stop stop.

please stop the rain already

All this rain is making me feel lethargic. okay, so i'm feeling really listy. Here's what i'd like to accomplish later this morning: 1) read Freud's "A Child Is Being Beaten" (not required but good to pair up with last essay). (Okay blogger is totally recalcitrant right now and does not want me to create bullet style posts! arg.) 2) Read Wendy Brown's introduction to Left Legalism (maybe even before bed). 3) Read Carter's the bloody Chamber (at least one short novel). 4) maybe watch Transamerica (That is if it doesn't rain). 5) Do one load of laundry? hm. 6) tidy up desk area? okay must stop blogger is driving bonkers!!!