Waiting

I must've mention many entries ago about the anxiety of waiting. I loathe the waiting period, or just waiting. Period. Finally I thought I should just blog it out so I can move on to something else, refocus and actually make progress.

I seem to always question why this day wound up being frustrating. Of course, I am trying to write 20 pages in, oh, I guess two days now. So, that's stressful, and then having an erratic eating schedule tops it off. Nowadays, it seems harder to cope with expectations falling short, or not materializing at all for that matter. Maybe I just had a crappy, useless day. Maybe I procrastinated too much on e-scrabble or whatever. Maybe I found myself waiting for a phonecall foolishly and then realized I wasn't going to get a call back. Maybe I just needed control of something to satisfy me.

...I wanted instant gratification so that I can move from point A to point B. I wanted someone to reassure me that my frustration was going to be over in a matter of 2 and 1/2 days, and I'll be free to run around like everyone else (or at least have the illusion of freedom).

It's true that I find myself creating small obstacles--or distractions -- that, more often than not, keep me from focusing on finishing up these damned papers, only to find myself feeling guilty at the end of night. Finally I think it means I want to be punished. And by the way, writing about this makes me feel like an overgrown 5 year old.
Boy, do I hate the way this day is turning out.

I have 3 hours before bedtime and I just have to write something, however crapped out it turns out. One more time to make me feel better? Boy, do I loathe this day and hope it is over soon so I can wake up feeling much better. I hope writing about this helps me tonight!

It hurts so bad.

That's right: reading an essay that quotes Zizek and Lacan's work. Why do I do this? Why do I give myself headaches? Why the compulsion to repeat? Is it really to master trauma?

One more week to go and I am free, sort of. So mentally exhausted. I can hibernate for a whole month.

breaking tasks

I need to learn to break assignments into smaller, managable tasks because I find myself all too frequently overwhelmed in the end. SMALLER TASKS.

what is the task tonight?

read novel and highlight or type out quotes that might be of use for rough draft.

read short story and do the same.

Thursday: must start developing papers.
Write random blurbs about Barthelme.
oh yah, Indian paper
and then Derrida paper
Gah!