Waiting

I must've mention many entries ago about the anxiety of waiting. I loathe the waiting period, or just waiting. Period. Finally I thought I should just blog it out so I can move on to something else, refocus and actually make progress.

I seem to always question why this day wound up being frustrating. Of course, I am trying to write 20 pages in, oh, I guess two days now. So, that's stressful, and then having an erratic eating schedule tops it off. Nowadays, it seems harder to cope with expectations falling short, or not materializing at all for that matter. Maybe I just had a crappy, useless day. Maybe I procrastinated too much on e-scrabble or whatever. Maybe I found myself waiting for a phonecall foolishly and then realized I wasn't going to get a call back. Maybe I just needed control of something to satisfy me.

...I wanted instant gratification so that I can move from point A to point B. I wanted someone to reassure me that my frustration was going to be over in a matter of 2 and 1/2 days, and I'll be free to run around like everyone else (or at least have the illusion of freedom).

It's true that I find myself creating small obstacles--or distractions -- that, more often than not, keep me from focusing on finishing up these damned papers, only to find myself feeling guilty at the end of night. Finally I think it means I want to be punished. And by the way, writing about this makes me feel like an overgrown 5 year old.
Boy, do I hate the way this day is turning out.

I have 3 hours before bedtime and I just have to write something, however crapped out it turns out. One more time to make me feel better? Boy, do I loathe this day and hope it is over soon so I can wake up feeling much better. I hope writing about this helps me tonight!