It's around this time when I feel like hiding under my comforts, hoping to fade away. What, pray tell, keeps me going? Probably the strange mix of enjoyment and fear of disappointment from various people -- mentors -- who have shaped me in so many ways. To disappoint them by not being able to sustain all the ups and downs of grad life, I realize, would be my own disappointment at having failed at something so important to me.
I've had dreams of telling folks about leaving academic life entirely behind me -- that is, after I finish my MA program. Perhaps I am deliberately setting that up so that I don't have the anxiety of having to"do something" with my degree, but it's probably an illusion.
And with this small task of a paper looming ahead, it's so EASY for me to fall apart and whine. I feel like I can't get enough done out of my day, and it's bugging the hell out of me today. I know this is not a constructive way of dealing with my self-doubts but I do feel like disappearing. Didn't Holden Caufield used to say that? ugh.
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