Safe

I've had an amazing weekend of unproductivity, which was spent watching the first six episodes of the Sopranos -- quite good. So although I haven't the time to divulge the details of my weekend, I just wanted to write quickly what has been swirling in my head, which might be part of another longer post at some p0int in time. Basically I have been reflecting a lot about my patterns -- old and new. Why is it that I have never truly wanted to be number 1 in anything -- and i wonder if this lack of competitive nature will affect my "success" in graduate school. I was/am always content with being 2nd place -- the safer route or the "good enough"; this is a scary thought for me. But does this mean I don't push myself enough? That I don't go out there and expose myself? I know i can't turn back time and torture myself for the reasons I have chosen to go to XX school and why I was happy with B+ average, but maybe I am not smart enough and don't want others to know -- or, more likely, I don't want to realize or admit to myself that I'm just not smart enough for this kind of life.

I guess it is also kind of psychologically painful to tell myself that I'm not "smart" enough, and honestly, I don't want to think that. I just want to make it out all right -- I don't have to be in the spotlight, but I should push myself harder to do better.