yo-yo days

Okay, so now I really do feel like a mess (again). More often than not, I find myself wondering when I will no longer feel bewildered, disorganized, flustered, passive -- terrified? It is times like this when I have to ask myself, what the hell am I really doing? Or, I might rephrase that and ask, why am I am pursuing graduate studies? Why is it that I constantly have to remind myself what i am really doing in grad school? Is it because it's so easy to throw it all away? Is it so easy to lose one's way so quickly -- I mean, I was excited but now I am increasingly feel like maybe I don't want to write and teach and publish. I know it is too soon to tell whether I will learn to enjoy all of the things that a life in academia entails, but maybe I am just not the into this. Now I almost said I'm not the "type" -- meaning, I'm not grad school material, not serious enough; but maybe that is a stupid thing to say? There is no type, right? One just needs to be committed, I think. I wonder when I will be able to just live my life, or whether I will ever feel "settled" as in comfort and security, perhaps. Maybe nobody ever feels settled.

I once emailed a grad student at my ideal grad school, who said that all I need is to be a self-motivator and a self-starter. Okay, so I have to just keep that in mind, because I know anything, however small, can throw me off balance. I don't even feel like I have a sense of balance anymore. And without fail, what do I do but fret and go completely bonkers. I know I will go through many rough patches, and I just need to be conscious of my patterns to cope with negativity.

I guess what brought on despairing thoughts was the conference workshop tonight. I tried imagining myself present a paper and being evaluated by academics. I understand that everything is a gradual process, and that I have to build my confidence (and knowledge) before going to a big conference, or even a conference made up of graduate students. But I think the very idea of giving talks just shattered me to pieces, bc it is part of professional life -- identity.

How could 3 months of grad school make me doubt myself already? Is self-doubt all too common? I guess I just worry because I doubt myself frequently these days. Boy, do I feel like a yo yo. Please, let tomorrow be a brighter day.