one week from today...

I will be done with the semester. I'm feeling more or less like I've checked out, and now just dragging my feet to class. I lead a discussion today (the first of 3 discussion days), and my own impression was that it was kind of awful. Last nightI imagined how it might play out-- how each question would logically connect or build on our responses. I forget that i'm not actually lecturing or presenting but opening up questions. And given that the discussion was bounching in several directions, I didn't feel like I had much control. I wanted to listen to the responses and try to synthesize what we were all attempting to say but can't articulate. So I sat in class doubting whether my questions were even relevant. How uncomfortable is that? We discussed a 1950s film that dealt with the white actors painting themselves dark to play African American roles, and the one thing I noticed was that I was censoring myself because I think I was trying to be PC.

I went to office hour after class to get more feedback since I actually have two more discussions
-- damn! I asked my prof how to go about generating relevant questions and was fairly honest that I just wasnt certain if I'm even probing in the right places. And then he said what I guess I had always known in the back of my mind but ignored. In his ironic, deadpan kind of tone, he said that if folks are silent, then share more of my opinions with the class. I don't remember if I laughed right when he said it, but i know I smiled in accordance just at the pure transparency of the situation. I replied that i wanted to listen to what other folks had to say first, but I guess I never got around to really putting myself out there enough. I guess that means I was a "moderator" ? Apparently i had interesting questions in my handout, and that he doesn't expect me to be an expert on X, which was nice to hear, you know.

All I could think of was how I must've looked anxious infront of my professor. In fact, a few days ago I just told prof how i was "scattered" because there is a lot to cover with four films -- which clip should I show?, etc. Sometimes I wonder if I should be so candid about my progress. On the one hand, I feel like I shouldn't even have to pretend like I'm in control of things, b/c they've been through all this hell before. Nothing new, and besides I want my profs to be my friend/mentor. On the other hand, how would they look at me, judge me if my nerves are totally tattered whenever I see them? Of course I don't bombard my profs with personal issues, but still I feel like there's a part of me that needs to give them the illusion that I am much more confident that I really am. o well. One learns, I guess. I have 2 more chances

On the paper front: paper 1 done; paper 2 due tomorrow; paper 3 due one week from today.

Almost free. soooo ooo sleepy.