I need a holiday

Can't sleep, flight tomorrow, and strange emotions have come over me. I thought that I was feeling down because I really do miss my hometown, my family and friends. But I think what is keeping me up this morning is that I've been thinking about, again, my "new" life -- the new environment and change of of pace.

Now that I have a bit of time to reflect I have come to feel that for the most part the MA program may be the right place at the right time -- it's smaller, not too competitive; but now I wonder about this program at Urban U. It's not that I'm unhappy, isolated, and whatnot, but I'm feeling kind of dull, maybe mechanical and just blah.

I didn't think I would say/admit my second thoughts when I was on such a high about classes. It's only been, what, 3 days since my last class, and I think -- how long is my break? -- 6 weeks might be psychologicaly painful to bear. So the self doubt is creeping in slowly: my State U may not the best program for me. I know in previous posts I was raving mad about feeling right at this point in my life and not having doubts about my decision to not enter a Ph.D program, but now I am feeling kind of weepy. Though arguably my State U would probably is a "cool" campus/college town if I were to pick a State U in my State.

But now I said it -- what would I do with this obviously evil thought when I resume classes? What am I saying, really saying though? Quitting is out of the question because I want to continue, but how does one deal with not being at the top choice? I think about Washington U occasionally, and speculate what my life would be like if I had chosen a different program, new faculty. So maybe now I'm angered at myself for not risking enough for the things that could change my outlook on academia. Now this is because I have, more or less, chosen to live my life comfortably, even carefree. Is that so bothersome to me? Certainly there will always be more competetive, ambitious (and smarter) students.

Has this suddenly come over me because I read possibly the most melancholy and painful Joyce short story -- "Eveline" ? No, it's probably not just the story, but just tracing all my decisions. I am too cautious to risk full happiness, I guess. Is it foolish to talk this way? I am blogging in circles--Risks.

I even thought that perhaps I just read to fill the that would send me spiraling downwards into the root of what's really bugging me. It's a sickining feeling, but ah, you love to read and learn -- that's way you are here. So it's the pressure of where i go from after a year. Don't despair -- you just have to dive in and see what happens. That's right, even if you think you aren't good enough for hotshot school. It's funny how books take up a certain amount of time that I can be so completely oblivious, which is always frightening. And because I take public trans I literally just think of getting to point A to point B and feel so rushed.

Sometime I make hasty decisions. Maybe once I start reading I won't feel so down and out. Maybe I just need to collapse when I visit my folks and lock myself in my room and get some real reading and thesis searching.

"I love this one everything but the girl song called "before today" :
I don't want excuses. I don't want your smiles.
I don't want to feel like we're apart a thousand miles.
I don't want your attitude. I don't want your face.
I don't want a phone that never rings. I want your love
and I want it now ..."


Is that it?